I
There I sat at my wit’s end
Writing a letter to a friend
Yet I had not a single line
Because a group of sisters nine
Were causing me such irritation
With their stupid inspiration
I tried in vain to find a way
To firmly but politely say,
“Would all of you please go away?”
It seemed as they were there to stay. . .
II
Terpsichore, I think that your
Tap dancing on my hardwood floor
Will make the neighbors quite irate
And I for one can’t concentrate
I’d like to see a termination
Of this little demonstration
But if you’re going to refuse
To stop at least take off your shoes
Or else they’ll hear it on the news
“Man goes berserk and strangles Muse. . .”
III
Euterpe, please do not rehearse
Your endless repertoire of verse
Though I’m a fan of poetry
I’m busy now, as you can see
Don’t think that I’m a rotten louse
But can’t you find some coffee house
I simply do not have the time
To listen to your every rhyme
But I am sure you’d be sublime
If you were to become a mime. . .
IV
Calliope, now I am mad
For I have read the Iliad
I really do not have the yen
To hear the entire thing again
Why don’t you take my Aeneid
And go and bore some high school kid?
For ancient Greek I have no ear
So I will make this very clear
Just get the Hades out of here
You and your sisters, disappear. . .
V
Erato, though I am inclined
To say you have a nice behind
Go somewhere else and get your kicks
And stop those dirty limericks
Though I admit to feeling lewd
On seeing you completely nude
I have to write and this I swear
I absolutely will not stare
Get off my lap, this is not fair
Erato, please, don’t touch me there. . .
VI
Melpomene, now you’ve been told
You’re acting like a two year-old
I’ve never seen someone who cries
As much as you, so dry your eyes
Your father Zeus may be a cad
He dumped your mom once she’d been had
Like he does after every tryst
But find a good psychiatrist
And maybe if I really wished
You’d vanish in celestial mist. . .
VII
And Clio, why must you annoy
With details of the siege of Troy
It simply goes beyond conjecture
That you’ll start another lecture
I hope that by the Punic Wars
Your voice has gone completely hoarse
Someone with your ability
Should try a university
I’m sure that you could oversee
Their department of history. . .
VIII
And Thalia, I fear that you’ll
Have to get new material
Your lines may work on other folks
But I think you’ve got rotten jokes
And even if I were to deign
To allow you to entertain
Me it would surely not be now
So why don’t you just take a bow?
Don’t make my scream and beat my brow
You have the manners of a cow. . .
IX
And Polyhymnia, your voice
Would certainly be my first choice
If I wanted to hear a tune-
But not tonight, you crazy loon!
If you don’t keep your songs in check
I’ll wrap that harp around your neck
You may be without inhibition
But I didn’t give permission
For a song and harp audition
Put your music in remission. . .
X
Urania, Urania
Now homicidal mania
Is gradually setting in
And don’t give me that stupid grin
I’ve had enough, I just can’t cope
So put away that telescope
Can’t you find something else to do
Than seek out constellations new?
Why don’t you take a journey to
The planet that’s named after you? . . .
XII
Then contemplating suicide
I flung open the window wide
But finally I used my head
And pointing towards the street I said,
“Who is that walking by those trees?
Why ladies, look, it’s Hercules!”
Then quickly as a lightning flash
Right out the window they did dash
And as each leapt I heard a crash
I smile and thought, Now that was rash. . .
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